I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
