I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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