Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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