Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
