This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Congratulations! We have a period
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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