So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Randomize
