no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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