Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
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