so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
