I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
