remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
