Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
