i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
