Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize
