Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
