I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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