I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
