I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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