This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just had sex on a roof
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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