When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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