Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We left the knife in your bed.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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