The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
