those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
my poor anus
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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