He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
