I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
