God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
