Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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