guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
