I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Randomize
