Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
