a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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