that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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