twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
