Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
