this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
