Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
