new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
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