i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
