every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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