Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
