So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
