just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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