I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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