Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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