tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
