Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
