Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
