I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
