Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
