11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
